My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
