A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I could fuck to npr.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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