Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
