Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
