Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
