dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
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