Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
