woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize