Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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