even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
