if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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