I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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