I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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