it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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