i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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