sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
