I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He felt like a one man threesome
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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