sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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