A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
