i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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