There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
