wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize