btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I stole a fireplace last night.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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