If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Randomize
