SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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