My room smells like vodka and shame
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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