I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
