I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
