life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
