is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
