I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
