I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
