Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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