life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
