this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
