I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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