it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
