no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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