I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
