Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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