Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
