my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
