my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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