Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
