There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
