Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
