Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
