Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
