my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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