I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
so much tequila, so little girl.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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