I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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