dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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