Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
