Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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