xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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