How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
