I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
