Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Vodka?
Forever.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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