I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
