Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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