why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
