worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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